Enjoy this week’s guest post from Marriage and Family Therapist, Michelle Farris, to learn how to keep communication healthy and effective.
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When communication is healthy, everything else gets easier. Personal relationships are more satisfying, we’re more successful at work, and you can trust yourself to handle more challenging relationship issues as they come up.
The most common mistakes people make in their communication are deceptively simple to fix – but most of us don’t know where to start. In this blog you will learn one word that will keep your communication healthy.
Communication Gone Bad
Most arguments start something like this:
Brad says to his VA Sandra, “I told you to get this done ASAP and you’re late. You should have let me know you needed my help. You need to be more attentive to your work. You’re too slow.”
Because Sandra feels attacked and compelled to defend herself, she automatically blames another staff member for giving her the information late.
So, what went wrong?
Identifying the Wrong Word
One of the most powerful communication tips I learned from The Gottman Institute is that how you start a conversation predicts the outcome. Starting a conversation with the word “you” invites a negative cycle of blame that’s hard to stop.
For instance, notice how many times Brad said “you” in the above example. His entire communication focused on what his employee did wrong. This becomes a common pitfall in most arguments.
Think about how many times you start a conversation this way without even realizing it!
Transforming “You” Messages
Brian comes home from work and finds the house a real mess. It’s been a long day and he’s tired and hungry. He finds himself yelling something like; “Why is the house such a disaster! Jeez, you’ve been home all day!”
This leads to a huge argument about nothing.
So, how do you fix this?
The goal in healthy communication is to practice “I” statements to keep the focus on you and what you need.
Brian could have said something like; “I’m really tired and hungry, can you pick up the living room? That would help me relax.”
Let’s see what this sounds like with Brad and Sandra.
“I’m really disappointed that this presentation is going to be late. I need a realistic date of completion. I’d appreciate that in the future as well.”
In the first example, Brian admits he’s tired and asks directly for what he needs.
In the second, Brad communicates what he needs versus blaming Sandra for being slow. He lets her know what bothers him without making her wrong. In both cases, Sandra and Brian’s wife will likely be more receptive since they don’t feel attacked.
The Power of “I” Statements
Here is the formula for transforming your communication and keeping it healthy. It’s called an “I” statement and it goes like this;
I feel (name how you feel) when you (name the hurtful behavior without judgment). I’d like you to (name what you want instead).
Example: “I’m uncomfortable with all these last-minute changes. I’d appreciate it if you could give me more time so I can be more prepared.”
Describe the specific behavior that concerns you, without judgment. This helps the other person hear you without shutting down or getting defensive.
Most people can’t argue with an actual fact. Resolution is more likely to happen when we can say what we mean without saying it mean.
Avoiding Toxic Arguments
“You” statements not only make the other person wrong but they escalate your own anger. The language we use is powerful and “you” creates a right-wrong scenario that makes others feel less than. The more we target what the other person is doing, the angrier we will get. By not managing our emotions, anger can get abusive real fast.
Behaviors like yelling, name-calling and even throwing things are considered abusive. Instead, express your anger using an “I” statement to communicate what’s bothering you in a respectful way.
It sounds like this:
You’ve just received an email from a client and you’re livid! Your first impulse is to fire back an angry response to stand up for yourself.
Instead, take a breath, wait until you are calm and go back and read the email again because you likely read it wrong. Doing this will prevent you from going into a blaming “you-focused” response.
Final Thoughts
An effective “I” statement helps you express yourself in the moment without minimizing how you really feel. Managing your emotions effectively helps you resolve issues in a healthy way without getting back into that negative cycle.
Learning healthy communication doesn’t have to take years. By changing this one word you can prevent unproductive conflicts that have the potential to negatively impact your relationships and professional reputation. This simple yet effective tool keeps communication healthy and often sets a positive example for others to follow.
Michelle Farris is a marriage and family therapist and anger management specialist in San Jose, California. She writes for several online publications like Psych Central, Your Tango, The Good Men Project, and others. She has a free 5 day email course called Catching Your Anger Before It Hurts.
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